LinkedIn Stories Are Going to Ruin My Life

Yes, you heard correctly. LinkedIn is now introducing a new Stories feature (basically the same exact thing as Instagram) and I think my world is ending. Just a quick heads up — if anyone that I know begins using this feature non-ironically I am going to cut you off (bad news for you because I am a B+ friend who tries his best to be there when he can.)

Please hold for a quick Power Ranking –

LINKEDIN STORIES I’M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO

1. Boomerang clinking of coffee mugs.
2. Filming a speaker at a conference or panel like it’s a concert.
3. Front-facing videos of entrepreneurs explaining how they hustled their way from nothing ($50,000 from their rich parents) to making millions in passive income every day and living the life of their dreams.
4. A photo of double monitors with Excel and Powerpoint open with the caption ‘Home Office Goals’
5. Picture of a sunset, time-stamped at 4 am with the caption #riseandgrind.
6. Sharing a graphic about how your corporation donated .00005% of its total net worth and captioning it ‘So proud to work for a company that makes the world a better place.’
7. Video resumes
8. Anyone going live ever.

I know I can just ‘not go on LinkedIn’ and it ‘doesn’t affect me’ (is it supposed to be effect?) and I guess people can do whatever they want. But there is just something fundamentally wrong to me about LinkedIn fully pivoting to a social media platform. Your job isn’t your personality. And if it is, I just genuinely don’t understand you.

I’ll kill you if I see you wearing this shirt

90% of my LinkedIn newsfeed is unbearable. It’s all updates from people I don’t care about and content that simply cannot be real. I refuse to believe there are people who care this much about sales or marketing or professional development. And if they actually are as passionate about their corporate job as they say they are, that’s an even bigger problem.

It’s ok to not love what your job so much that you post an 800 word status about it. It’s work — you should be allowed to leave at 5:30 and not think about it anymore. There is an unhealthy obsession with working in this country (probably the world as well but I hate traveling so idk) and LinkedIn is a symptom of that. 99% of us are working for other people anyways and we’re literally just killing ourselves to make other people richer.

Couldn’t come up with a better caption than the title of this image — ‘businessman kissing tenderly computer keyboard with funny face expression on technology dependence and internet addiction concept isolated on white background’

I guess I just hate nerds and people who are passionate about things. Should probably examine that.

Anyways, follow us on LinkedIn.